blah (brittaneyelise) wrote in prozac_nation,

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just a crappy week...

My parents will not stopp fighting, about every little thing there ever was to fight about,  my boyfriends mom absolutly hates me and the fact that i love holden and she hates me so called relying on him so much, it makes me so angry because i dont even like my dad that much and my mom doesnt either and mike doesnt either, but sumhow this sucks, it sucks so bad that ive cried the past two days straight, if it wasnt for me promising Holden i wouldnt slice away my arm id be doing that. becuz then everything that seemed to hurt before wouldnt hurt so much nemore, i guess alot of ppls dont understnd that though, i didnt either, i just thot it was sum way for stupid ppls to get attention but it acctually makes u feel better like ur okay now becuz youve acctually bleed your pain away, and sumhow thru the pain of a cut it makes u feel better. I know, i know, everything could be worse and yeah its my motto, but sumtimes it cant,  not in your life anyways, everything seems to be developing far far far from my favor and its doing it fast! I thought my bf's mom was acctaully beginnign to like me after 1 yr and 1 month, and then boom, here comes this and it had to be RIGHT on top of my parents talking about divorce and acctaully leaving the house, around here everything is about money with my step dad, and my mom has depression, socail anxiety and PTSD from rotten teenagers when she was young, they tormented her everyday of her life, and my family, so far from normal, i couldnt even explain to you how we are, every single person in my family is MESSED up! there all depressed ( i would think including myself the only ppls that make me truly happy are my mom and Holden and now Hol,dens mom wont even let us be together more than 2 days out of the week so there goes that part, and then my mom and its more than a struggle to keep her happy, she says my smile makes her hapy, but if u even understood the love i have for her you would understand why her not being happy kills me inside, i love her more than my life itself! anyways back to the other story) but my uncle suffered from a comma for 21 days and God helped himn thru it, he has no fingers or toes and he his brain is messed up. so theres that problem, my parents always fighting, my aunt never having money, money being the only priority in Marks life, trying to make my mom happy, fighting with my brother, my gparents getting old and depressed as much as anyone else,and the stress of trying to make everything seem as if it was normal all make me feel like dieing, and to want to feel like this is horrible, i wouldnt acctually kill myself ONLY  because i love my mom and i love holden and the rest of my family, you;d think it would be okay if i didnt get to twalk to Holden or be with him once in a while but u havent heard the other side of having no more friends, see last yr i had 6 very very vrey gopod friends, and then they moved to other schools, and they changed...i cant explain how but they did, the only one who didnt is the one who moved the furthest away, which figures, becuz everytime i made friends when i was little we moved seems right i should be repayed in full for this, so this yr i made 2 more good friends, and yu u guess it there both moving to another state! so yeah i have NOBODY to talk to but Holden and my mom now!, so ur thinkging well talk to ur mom? and i would, but she has enough stress to handle, i mean really,so what do i do? i cant live being sad everyday of my life. and now ur saying well be happy, and so i'll tell u that its not as easy as it sounds. Its just not as easy as it sounds...i guess you could say im angry at the world...
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